Thursday, September 13, 2012

Wanted: Good Homes for Wayward Volunteers

Wanted: 1%-ers in Northern Virginia
to House Obama Campaign Volunteers

Yes, the Obama campaign has sent an email asking for residents in Northern Virginia to open their homes to volunteers who will be flooding the National Capital Region for the next 50-some days until the election on November 6. Here is an excerpt from today's story in the Washington Times:
The Obama campaign wants more than just your dollars: It wants your bed — or at least a sofa. The campaign on Wednesday asked D.C.-area supporters to help with lodging for campaign volunteers.
"A group of the most dedicated organizers and volunteers will be coming to Northern Virginia for the remaining weeks of the campaign," Lise Clavel, the Obama campaign's Virginia director, wrote in an email to D.C.-area backers. "But here's the thing: They need somewhere to stay. And I'm hoping you can lend them a hand with that."
"Many of them will gladly sleep on a comfy couch or an air mattress, or in a small spare room you might have. They'll take the Metro or provide their own transportation to and from Northern Virginia, and they'll be out during the day, working hard to move our organizing along," the email continues.
The Obama missive went largely to residents of the District, which has an abundance of Democrats whose votes will mean little in the contest and who it hopes are hankering to make themselves useful to the campaign in other ways. 
 Those who contact Ms. Clavel will be sent a catalog of prospective volunteers from which to choose a house guest. Among those whose profiles and photos will be featured in the catalog are the following. You may recognize some of them from the Occupy Wall Street/DC movements, the Chick-Fil-A-Haters movement, and Hollywood.

Specimen 1: That's his own blood, not someone else's,
so your children and pets will be safe.

Specimen 2: You do not have to feed the volunteers.
Just tell them you are not rich. And hide your valuables.





Specimen 3: He has been in college for 10 years,
so he is used to crashing on friend's sofas.




Specimen 4: So she lies.
But at least she has a good heart.




Specimen 5: He has assured the Campaign he is now
potty-trained. Feel free to make him sleep in the bathtub.




Specimen 6: We don't ask them to take
a logic test. We just take them.




Specimen 7: She may not need housing every night.
She has frequent accommodations at the DC jail.




Specimen 8: She's not a believer,
but she's good with cardboard signs.

Specimens 9-11: Come as a package: No need for blankets.
They bring their own feathers for warmth.
Can be cooped up in small quarters.

Specimen 12: We think this may be Specimen 7 again,
but in case you want her, she comes with her own camera.

Specimen 13: Ted Kaczynski, Jr., could
entertain you with some family tales at night.

Specimen 14: If you live near the Potomac
or in a flood zone, this is your guy.

Specimen 15: Bert from Sesame Street comes without Ernie.

Specimen 16: Just the one with her mouth open needs housing.
(The one on the left is too scared to volunteer.)
Probably not appropriate choice for an apartment with thin walls.


Specimen 17: Yeah, we thought Marilyn Manson
was dead too. But if you're a fan, you're in luck!

Specimen 18: Another package deal. As
long as you are not parents, you are safe.

Specimen 19: This guy could afford to house ALL the volunteers,
but he wants to spread the wealth and let all Northern Virginians get a chance.
He's up for grabs too, unless and until Hugo Chavez offers the Venezuelan Embassy.
Specimen 20: He may even make a documentary
about your life if you choose him!

And if none of the above strike your fancy, you can go 
through the entire catalog of potential volunteers and
select the make and model volunteer of your choice.

Boilerplate Disclaimer: The Obama Campaign makes no guarantees as to quality of volunteers and accepts no responsibility for rapes, murders, thefts, vandalism, or other anti-social acts which may result from a resident allowing a campaign volunteer access to the inner sanctum of their dwelling. Those who choose to house a volunteer do so at their own risk and in doing so waive all claims of any nature whatsoever against the Obama Campaign, President Obama himself, Michelle Obama, Malia and Sasha Obama, Grandma Robinson, Bo the Dog Obama, and Reggie Love.